Parts of speech and proper punctuation.

Now, dust off your grammar books, children. Auntie Allison needs to talk about the parts of speech.

---

I swear, I'm usually an intelligent person. But I had to pause for a few minutes when I read this headline:

"City rejects drive up for Dunkin' Donuts"

I would suppose that when any of us reads a sentence, our brain not only deciphers the words, but also defines how that word fits into and adds meaning to the surrounding sentence (i.e. what part of speech the word acts as). I'm not saying its a conscious action; most words are not so ambiguous or multifunctional that our understanding of them hinges on what part of speech they are.

But that headline puzzled me more than seven words should have the power to do. My brain saw that sentence, chewed it up, and spit it out as:

City (adj.) rejects (n.) drive (v.) up (prep.) for (prep.) Dunkin' Donuts (prop. n.)

And this alarmed me. I thought, "Why does it matter where the rejects of the city are driving?" And then, "Is this, perhaps, also a judgment on Dunkin' Donuts?"

("Dunkin' Donuts... Oh, you know, the coffee place where all the rejects go...")

My eyes scanned the article quickly and realized that what the headline actually meant was:

City (n.) rejects (v.) drive-up (n.) for (prep.) Dunkin' Donuts (prop. n.)

My problem is this: The only reason my brain couldn't decipher that sentence properly is because the editor didn't know to hyphenate the word "drive-up" as it applies to a fast food chain.

What an idiot.

---

Anyway, children, the moral of this story is to always use proper punctuation, or you may inadvertently slander a restaurant chain or the population of a local city.

Sigh.

My psychic life.

Last night, I had what may very well be classified as a PSYCHIC DREAM.

And it was about the secret (well, not anymore) CIA operative otherwise known as Asplundh.

Now, this requires a bit of back story. For the past few weeks, a number of white pick-up trucks marked with the word "Asplundh" have been staking out the territory surrounding the office where I work. During our post-lunch walk, my coworkers and I witnessed two Asplundh trucks engaging in what can only be described as very poorly disguised reconnaissance. These trucks have also been parked at various points along the road that leads to the office building, once going so far as to park directly in front of the driveway leading into our parking lot.

Sketchy, right?

Naturally, my friends and I love to joke that Asplundh is obviously a cover for some unit of the CIA. (Perhaps a training unit, hence the overtly sketchy behavior.) But none of us ever actually knew what Asplundh was...until I uncovered the truth with my subconscious (unconscious) mind.

Needless to say, I, Allison, successfully Google-searched Asplundh in a dream last night.

Yes, successfully. In my dream, I wanted to uncover the truth behind the inside joke, so I completed a Google search on the word "Asplundh." At first, that lead me to a page about the Department of Homeland Security (of course). That result, though fitting, didn't make sense even in my dream. However, a second search attempt told me that Asplundh was, in fact, some sort of tree preservation society or organization.

This morning, after waking up and laughing about my dream, I was inspired to do a real Google search which uncovered....


...a government-hired agency dedicated to tree and vegetation management.

Me = psychic.

End of story.

Mysteries of the office.

This morning at work, I made a quick calculation on a Post-It and then tore the note off the half-used pad for a clean sheet. Already scrawled on the now-exposed note underneath was a simple message: "Hi!"

I've had this pad of Post-Its on my desk for at least six months, but it's not my handwriting. Hmm.... Mysterious.

This is like that time I found a Queen of Hearts playing card placed face-down on my desk, perfectly parallel with both the edge of my keyboard and desk. Mysterious.

I still carry the Queen of Hearts in my wallet.

The Post-It will probably be thrown away.

So it goes.